Thanks for loving me

3. júna 2023, kontroverza, Denník lovca

I’ve written a lot in my life. About you, for you, and for other people. But today… it’s very hard for me to write. Some no name woman in a TikTok video said that today the Moon is in Sagittarius and that means if you want to send a message to someone, peacefully, even across the universe, you can. Apparently it’s ideal to „let things go“ , if someone needs it. Maybe this will work in reverse as well. Maybe at least some of that esoteric bullshit – as I’m sure you’d call it – will work. Maybe you haven’t gotten all the arguments to come back yet. So I have a few more. 


I know you. I know your brain, I know your heart, I know your fears and your weird cravings. Marzipan, really? I know how you laugh, and I know why you listen to music only with headphones. I know how you feel when you think of us sometimes, and I know you care. I know who you are. And you should know that I don’t love you in spite of that, but because of who you are. I’m not scared of your demons. I love them all. 


Maybe you think it was humane to leave me alone. I know why you think that, and I don’t blame you. And actually, you weren’t even wrong. Because you’re rarely wrong. What’s it like to be right all the time? It must be hard. I needed a lesson. Of everything neither of us had mastered – from self-love to self-control. We were all alone in this universe of psychadelia. And it was amazing! Come on, don’t say it wasn’t!


You only remember the bad. But we ADHD freaks only remember the good. At the time, you may have had no idea how unconventional and broken I already am. I think if you had known that, you never would have done any of the things that happened. But if it hadn’t happened, I’m not as wise and strong today, so… 


You taught me that love can happen in a minefield. Because when you’re looking at a plant growing out of a concrete road, you can’t ignore it. You have to be amazed! Life and love will always find a way. 


I was your planet, I was your fox, I was your rose. I was everything you needed and I switched between those positions depending on when you wanted either of us by your side. 


But you were always just Little Prince to me. Always the same. Just as beautiful, wise, sad and angry. Just as magical and demonic. Just as dark and kind when the time and place was right. I loved all of your personalities because they showed me how much of myself I had. I stopped hating myself because you started loving me. And I don’t know if I ever told you this, but you should know. By the way, I think the same happened to you. 


The most important message of today’s Moon in Sagittarius from me to you is – I’m sorry. I’m sorry that people have hurt you. I’m sorry that people didn’t understand you. I’m sorry you’ve had to be on your own your whole life. I’m sorry that no one stood up for you when they should have. I’m sorry no one protected you. I’m sorry no one loved you as much as I did. Everyone should have loved you as madly, unconditionally, and endlessly as I did. Because you deserve it.


You need to know that I forgive you. I forgive you that you have devastated me like no one before or after you. I forgive you for walking away and not saying goodbye, even though you promised me you never would. I forgive you for not thinking of me as much as I deserved over the years. I forgive you for all your crimes against humanity. And I forgive myself for thinking for so long that it’s because I’m not good enough.


Someone told me that you left without saying goodbye so you could come back one day and say it was just a pause. That it wasn’t forever. I think that may be true, but


Sometimes I feel like when I talk to you, you can hear me. Like you’re yelling at me: „I can hear you!“ across the galaxy. And by the time my response comes to you: „But I can heal you!“, you’re already gone.


You don’t have to come back. I’m done begging.
I know you’re reading this and I know it hurts every time I say Please and you have to say No. I won’t do it anymore.
If you want to come back, you know you can.
You know where you can find me.
But if you don’t… it’s okay.
I’m not angry.
I’m not sad.
I’m happy I could love you for so long.
And I promise I’ll never forget you.
We’re friends and always will be.
Because you’re good enough.
I’ve loved you forever and always. 


Your favorite girl